Satire

Trump Orders Statue of Himself in Every State — Even Delaware

treason_guy

“People will look up and see greatness. Or at least my cheekbones.”

September 27, 2025 – Washington, D.C.

In a spectacle that stunned the political world — and nearly knocked Lincoln off his marble chair — President Donald J. Trump signed Executive Order #T2025-001 this morning, authorizing the construction of a 120-foot bronze statue of himself in every U.S. state and territory.

The statues will reportedly depict Trump wearing a flowing superhero cape, standing on a pedestal labeled “Savior of the Republic,” and pointing heroically into the distance — “in whichever direction CNN is,” according to one staffer.

Inside sources say the statues will also feature built-in speakers, endlessly looping a curated list of Trump’s greatest quotes. Critics describe it as a bronze echo chamber. Trump calls it “art.”

“We’re doing something nobody’s ever done before,” he said at a press conference surrounded by four golden busts of himself. “Statues — the biggest, the best. Every state. Even Delaware, which let’s be honest, nobody talks about. But now they will.”

“Legacy. Greatness. Bronze Cheekbones.”

The initiative is expected to cost $4.2 billion, though Trump assured reporters, “Mexico might pay for it. We’re looking into that.” Attempts by White House Budget Director Jim McFlannel to explain funding sources were cut short when he was escorted off stage by the newly formed Trump Rangers, a federal unit clad in MAGA helmets and Oakleys.

“This isn’t just about statues,” Trump said. “It’s about legacy. Greatness. Bronze cheekbones. You get it.”

Critics Call It a “Bronzed Delusion”

The backlash was swift. Senator Grace Tullman (D-MA) condemned the move as a grotesque misuse of federal funds.

“Americans are struggling to afford groceries,” she said. “Meanwhile, the president wants to build 120-foot bronze versions of himself in every state. That’s not infrastructure — that’s a $4 billion vanity project.”

Economist Dr. Felix Rendon warned of dangerous budget implications, calling it a “Bronzed Delusion” and noting that “we’re literally melting down coins to cast his jawline.”

Transparency groups raised alarms over the no-bid contract awarded to Trump Bronze Works LLC, a company registered just last week in the basement of Trump Tower.

Even the National Park Service confirmed it had been told to “make room” by removing “outdated features like trees, playgrounds, and non-Trump monuments.”

“We were told to replace the Lincoln statue in D.C. with a slightly taller Trump one, and to keep the chair,” said one anonymous ranger. “Honestly, I don’t know what’s happening anymore.”

Delaware Didn’t Ask for This

Reactions varied by region, but no state was more bewildered than Delaware. Governor Margie Hull said the first she heard of the plan was when a federal blueprint was faxed to the state’s Parks Department.

“He wants to put it where the dog park is,” Hull said. “That’s just… weird.”

Trump responded on Truth Social:

“Delaware is FAKE and UNGRATEFUL. They should be THANKING me for the honor. Sad!”

Statue Sites Already Selected

The administration has already identified key statue sites, including:

  • Times Square (NY) – replacing the M&M store
  • Mount Rushmore (SD) – “gonna scoot Roosevelt to the side”
  • Alcatraz (CA) – “perfect backdrop, very cinematic”
  • Downtown Lima, OH – “I love Ohio. They’re winners. This statue will stop crime.”
  • Guam – “Never been, but I hear it’s nice.”

And Will People Worship Them?

When asked directly whether he believed the statues might inspire actual worship, Trump paused, smiled, and delivered his final quote of the day:

“Let’s just say… they’ll look up to me. That’s all I’ll say. But yeah, probably.”